Rebadging:
This is the biggest waste of money and resources. Considering that every car comes from the factory with at least 1 badge telling you what it is, there’s no sense paying extra to tell us all what you’re driving. The car does this for free.

Because Carrera 4S wasn't clear enough.

OH, I missed the badge just beside the license plate - thanks!

In case I didn’t see the side or happen to be colorblind.

And interestingly, owners of expensive cars seem most prone to do this. If you’ve got too much money, why not just give some away. In fact, I’ll send you my address.

Pride & Politics
This category could almost be exclusively for the Toyota Prius, but it encapsulates all those owners who believe they must tell us why their car is wonderful.

Apparently you hate your car as well, because you've run it into enough things to mangle this plate.

Yes, you’re using less gasoline than the rest of us, but you driving a Prius is not saving the polar ice or stopping pollution.

9/11 was terrible, but the Taliban would be madder at you spending extra money for a license plate than your cars MPG.

Stating the obvious
This is only slightly less annoying than the rebadging problem. Except here I can’t figure out if the owner thinks everyone else is stupid, or if they themselves must be reminded about key features on their car.

Has someone ever looked at a Miata and thought otherwise?

Thanks, cause I didn’t notice the logo or the fact that you have no roof.

Those who mispronounce Porsche aren't going to get it by reading your plate.

Funny to you
An ever growing category of license plates which must make sense to the person writing the check, but are lost on the rest of us. These are the automotive equivalent of a “You had to be there” joke. And it makes the driver seem more suited for the short bus than behind the wheel.

Are you the owner of a hog farm? Pork processing plant? Or just a fan of clogged arteries?

Is this “For Sure” and I’m supposed to find it funny, or are you obsessed with Fashion and I’m supposed to be impressed?

Does that mean brown?

Now you might be saying “Hey… you guys use your personal plate on the back of cars you test”.  And of course you would be right. I am aware that sometimes personalized plates can work or serve a purpose.  We use them to tie our test cars together or in some cases to protect the identity of private owners.  And we know there are owners out there who successfully make a joke or statement with their license plate, but it’s about as common as snow in Los Angeles.

The real gems are the unintentional statements. The rare times when a state issued plate says something anyway. This is my current favorite:

In fact I think that applies to this whole topic. I’d like the information about what exactly is going on with these license plate owners. The 411 on What the F….

The Awarning is this: accept the fact that license plates exist and spend your hard earned money on something else. Anything else.

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In fact, it’s easy to tell when to stop: It’s right about the time when you’ve spent so much time and money customizing that you could have bought a far superior car than the mutant thing now parked in your driveway.

And in case you feared this was a merely theoretical shot across the bow… I have examples.

I only wish I didn’t.

First of we have this owner of a Nissan 240z. A great classic sports car and I applaud anyone for wanting to keep it running well. However, this owner seems to wish he owned a newer Z car but couldn’t bring himself to actually buy one.

Take a close look at the engine. Notice that bolted in behind that radiator is the heart of a 350z. And apparently there was a sale on sheets of honeycomb metal, but I think this is the first time they’ve been used as “engine dressup”. Oh, and in spite of what the label says… that engine isn’t supercharged.

But if this were just an engine swap it could be excused, this Franken-Z goes on. Look closely at this shot and you’ll see that’s the rear window of a 240, but the wheel, cluster, dash, and console of a 350z.

Luckily the owner attempted to give this mutant a name. Yet sadly, that leaves us more confused. The “M” badge makes us think BMW. And the 3.5 reminds me of the old Mustang 5.0 badges, yet it seems both numbers are from different parts bin, sizes and fonts.

This contraption is like the sixty-year-old with so much plastic surgery she doesn’t look twenty, she looks like the Joker’s second wife. I shudder to think what this car cost to cobble together, and I’m wondering if it’s too late for a refund.

And next we have a mystery. Take a good long look. What car was this before it was struck by obsessive bad taste and a wallet with extra cash?

I admit that’s a tough angle, so I’ll help you out. This, dear reader, is a Mid-90s Mitsubishi 3000GT. A decent car, but certainly not good enough for obsession or bad enough to deserve treatment like this.

Besides the basic shape, so much has been changed on this car it boggles the mind. Those headlights look entirely out of place (they original lights bisected the hoodline and were a completely different shape.) And the front fascia seems to have openings from a range of manufacturers.

Yet most inexplicable is the vinyl. I admit I don’t know what possesses a person to decorate their car with vinyl in the first place… but deciding it should look like wood paneling takes a special kind of headspace. Who does this?

Apparently, this guy. That’s him leaning up against the rear quarter panel. I’ve seen this disaster on display many times, and he never leaves this car. He waits, hoping someone will get close enough so he can tell them of his fantastic handy-work. Or maybe point out the yellow and black leather interior with enormous exposed speakers. And he’ll definitely want you to see the random dragon logo on the back.

How much did this cost? How many far better vehicles could be purchased for the same amount? I could have asked him, I realize, but I was afraid of becoming sick on his vinyl.

Not that it would have really hurt anything.

So the Awarning here is clear. We encourage changes which make your car stand out from the pack. But please keep a running tally and assign someone as your resident skeptical accountant. Once your crazy plans reach “better car” levels of time and cost… do yourself a huge favor… Buy a better car.

Call us. We can help you.

Share your own unbelievable sighting! Visit the Forum.

This reminds me of the commercials, “I’m no rodeo clown, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night,” therefore I’m an instant expert, right?

As part of GM’s bankruptcy restructuring, Edward Whitacre Jr. has been installed as new chairman. Mr. Whitacre’s impressive business acumen was the clear consideration for his new position, most notably his stint at AT&T.

However, one of Mr. Whitacre’s first admissions was that he, “doesn’t know anything about cars.” “A business is a business, and I think I can learn about cars. I’m not that old, and I think the business principles are the same.”

I can assure you they’re not, Mr. Whitacre.

Cars have become a literal and metaphorical vehicle for moving money from one place to another. One of the largest expenditures for making a car is the cost of healthcare for the workers who build it. Thank you, Mexico.

In most cases, the cars we own could be kept and driven for 10-15 years or more. Sometimes they break beyond repair, but the main reason we want a new one is because we get bored. The Instant Generation has added to this, especially with the advent of Bluetooth and navigation systems. Our cars provide a measure of practicality, which differs greatly for everyone, but soon it doesn’t fit our lifestyle anymore, we’re tired of the color, or it’s not fast enough. Maybe we just crave the allure of driving a new car.

What this means then, is that cars are more than just toasters, toilets or phone service. They are an extension of oneself; a personality expressed to the world, a hierarchical class and a very clear representation of our priorities, not to mention a barometer of economic prowess.

Because the American car industry tends to treat automobiles like any other product, notable men such as Malcolm Bricklin, John Z. DeLorean, and most recently Henrik Fisker have been so overcome with passion they’ve embraced the difficult task of launching their own car companies. Despite facing the hurdles of design, engineering, build quality, manufacturing and government regulation, they strive to create a more excellent automobile. This requires someone who really loves cars.

The very last person at GM who actually cared about cars and the excitement they generate was Bob Lutz. During his years at Chrysler, the man created the Dodge Viper. He flies his own jet, smokes cigars like they’re vitamins and has giant cojones. The End.

Bob knows what compels a buyer to choose one brand over another. Nobody at GM seems to care anymore—GM is now merely a mechanism to provide jobs and a pension. Now that it’s mostly government owned, it will be forged into an economic recovery vehicle, not the world-class, industry leading juggernaut it once was. Doesn’t anybody know that GM produces cars, ones that should be significant, beautiful and appear as rolling sculpture to stir the soul? Nope. Now it’s just a place to work.

If GM is to be successful in its turnaround, it must distinguish itself and put someone in charge who is a ‘car guy’ (or gal). Someone who has passion for cars. If GM no longer employs people who understand cars, care about great styling, encourage new engineering advancements and environmentally friendly manufacturing methods, it will soon cease to exist. Enough of the rallying GM commercials telling America that everything will be okay. Putting a National Economic Policy coordinator in charge of restructuring GM’s only adds to the problem.

The Awarning is simply this: be offended. We are obligated to do better. Where have all the car enthusiasts gone? Is there anybody left? Hello?

If you’ve heard of the Chevy Volt, the Tesla Roadster, or the Fisker Karma then you know how much electrics have reached public consciousness. And while those cars want to seem normal in spite of their powerplant, cars like the Mitsubishi “iMiev” are coming which would have seemed impossible on US roads in days past.

And I can’t help but think this is all great marketing and nothing more. Electric cars are presented as the end of pollution and the best way for man to reduce our “global carbon footprint”. Combustion Cars have been raised to the highest level of scape-goat. But in truth, they are not even close to the biggest culprit, only the most visible.

Heavy Industry, specifically coal-fired plants, are the biggest creators of CO2 and “particular matter” which man spews into the atmosphere. Take all our cars, park them, and we’ll still be killing the planet by running our lights and microwaves, dishwashers, TVs, and PS3s. We don’t see how all that power gets created, but over 40% of US electrical power comes from coal-burning plants. And elsewhere in the world, demand for coal-fired plants is increasing.

So if the whole world went to electric cars we haven’t solved the problem at all. We’ve just shifted the blame.

If you’re climate conscious, it’s easy to glance at the car in your driveway and think “I need to do my part”. Yet, we never think of turning off lights or investigating the source of our electricity to bring about climate change. If we all plugged our cars in at night it would require more electricity than we’re using now! Those Coal-burning plants would keep cranking away in some other county, state, or country and creating the pollutants we think we’ve stopped.

It’s the Prius-factor all over again. People believing that the choice they can see makes a bigger difference than the consequence they don’t see.

The Environment News Service keeps track of all the powerplants across the U.S. and their pollutant output. In a year, powerplants create about 2.5 Billion tons of CO2. That’s billion. With a “b”. Meaning 12 zeros. Car output is a thimble in the ocean by comparison.  In fact, all transportation combined makes up less than 16% of man made CO2.

Now we aren’t saying down with the electric car. We aren’t even saying gasoline is the only way. New technologies are exciting and worthwhile. I find the Tesla roadster riveting, and I can’t wait to drive the Volt and Karma. But if the goal is for us to pollute less, then lets worry about the things which cause the biggest problems.

Electricity doesn’t just appear at your outlet. And Coal isn’t clean, no matter how many billboards and commercials tell us otherwise. Electric cars aren’t our savior, any more than gasoline cars are our villain.

Thanks for reading. And while you’re here SUBSCRIBE, so you don’t miss a moment.

And you can add YOUR voice to this topic. Visit the Forum!

This weekend I witnessed two cars whose creation was so wasteful and logic-defying that I wanted to share them with you.

Both cars smack the same question out of you before you can stop yourself: “What is that?”

First we have this:

And I’ll tell you what it is – It’s an old Ford Ranger Pickup. With a Lift Kit. Then a Ford 5.0 liter V8. Then topped off with the body and interior of an old Nissan 240. To make matters worse, it was on display amid supercars and rare pristine exotics. It’s like a bloodstain on the Sistine Chapel. I was going to take pictures from all sides but realized my eyes hurt.

So, we’ll move on to this:

Have you guessed what’s under that enormous catfish-mouthed body kit? The hood is the give away. This, is a Toyota MR2 Spider. A tiny mid-engined Miata competitor now dressed up to look like a wilted Ferrari F50. And it case you didn’t notice it fast enough, it’s painted Gallardo Green – a color so retina-searing it only works on Lamborghini’s.

The back had quad pipes, and was 50% wider than the original car. That’s one exhaust pipe for each of the car’s cylinders, and the rearward visibility of a forest at night. Again, I would have taken more pictures, but none of us need to suffer more.

The Awarning here is clear: When customizing your car, get opinions from someone who knows cars and can tell you when you’ve lost your mind. Oh, and if you have enough money to spend this much changing your vehicle – just go buy a better car.

Share your own unbelievable sighting! Visit the Forum.

Seems to me we should teach proper driving etiquette in school and take out calculus. You’ll never need any math you can’t do on a cell phone calculator, but you’ll encounter plenty of drivers acting like a bully who ran out of Ritalin.

Any drive on my favorite mountain road reveals another person unaware of common driver courtesy. Everything from trucks to sport bikes cruises this windy stretch of blacktop so it’s pretty obvious they all can’t take hairpins at the same speed. That’s why the road has turnouts.

Oh, sorry. I know I lost some of you. Let me explain.

A turnout is that extra large paved shoulder you just passed. Because this is a two-lane road with mixed traffic, the highway designers created ways for slower vehicles to pull over and let faster vehicles pass. I realize this is a new idea to many of you. I know this because I’ve watched you stare at me in your side-mirror and completely ignore the last in a line of six opportunities to use said turnout.

So as I roll along in my sports car, trapped behind a mini-van full of family, I see other cars bunching up behind me and I start to wonder. What’s the use in keeping someone behind you? It’s not that you can’t see the cars stacking up. I’ve caught your eye more than once as you look back to see that I’m still trapped with no way around. Yup, we’re still here.

If this were Europe, I’d flash my brights. Just a quick friendly flick of light to let you know, “Hey, I’m back here and wanting to go faster than you. Would you mind letting me by?” Doing so won’t incite riots, just a slide out of the way. Elsewhere this isn’t the car equivalent of an obscene gesture. It’s just proper driver communication to help keep traffic flowing.

This ain’t Europe.

The last time I flashed my brights, the person systematically trapping me actually slowed down. And, I’m surprised he didn’t have a wreck because he spent nearly 90% of his driving time looking at me in his mirrors instead of navigating the road. And when I finally had the chance to pass, he sped up!

All this has me thinking. What sick joy do we get in keeping a faster driver imprisoned behind us? Is this payback for a childhood of being picked last for kickball?

When the sign says “Slower Traffic Keep Right”, that’s not a challenge. It’s not the highway patrol’s attempt to insult you as a driver. Each car and driver handles speed differently. Pull the minivan over. Or let your sports car get passed by that Camry playing tag with your tailpipe. No one will think less of you. I’ve done it. Only thing hurt was my pride.

Recently I was riding with a friend as they drove down the left lane of the freeway. Cars were swirling around us, darting up behind and then passing in the lanes to the right. And the driver suddenly revealed the problem when they said “I’m going plenty fast enough for the fast lane. If they want to go faster they can just go around.”

Bingo.

We’ve been lead to believe that our personal “fast” should apply to everyone else. And we’re taught that the “fast lane” is the one on the left. When we think we’re going fast we get all the way to the left. It would help if the signs said “Stay Right Except to Pass”, but they don’t, they say “Slow Traffic Keep Right”. And none of us believe we are slow.

We’re all slow sometimes. The wrong day. The wrong car. Or when you’re hauling the entire Peruvian Rugby team in the back of your mini-van.

Deal with it. And pull over.

Look, there’s another turnout coming up in a ¼ mile.

Is this driving you crazy too? Share your stories in the Forums.

Not long after I started driving I remember seeing a Volkswagen Corrado, a car I loved in the 90s, driving in front of me with the VW badge replaced by a BMW Roundel. Since this was before camera-phones (and internet, and running water) I couldn’t take a picture but marveled at that moment for years later.

Sadly that person was not alone. And these days I do have a camera phone.

You see the problem here, right? There’s nothing inherently wrong with the Lexus IS series, except the 350 is neither: a) shockingly powerful or b) a Mercedes Benz. AMG is Mercedes in-house tuner division, and they’d sooner torch a Lexus than tune it. People who know AMG will know this. And people who don’t know AMG won’t even notice this badge. So who is this for? Apparently the owner really wishes they bought a tire-shredding german monster instead of a Japanese Econo-lux. And all they could afford was the badge.

How about this:

Elusive concept car? Exclusively-rare family sedan? X badges?   How Mysterious…

Nope.      Silver. Toyota. Camry.    Three of the most common words in all of the car industry.

This isn’t fooling anyone. And if it is then get smarter friends. No matter what the trunk lid claims, this car is anything but “Limited”. Ben and Jerry’s could start selling vanilla as “Super Secret Wonder Flavor” and it would still be common.

But wait, there’s more!

This one gets better the more time you spend with it. On first glance… well, the “B” logo is never going to turn a $30k Chrysler into a $300k Bentley. Nice try.

Then, I walked around the side and the story got better. It’s not a Chrysler 300, but a Dodge Magnum Wagon! So I’m supposed to be wowed by Bentley’s first ever muscle car station-wagon. Wow! How exclusive!

Why didn’t I hear about this car when it came out? Why weren’t we invited to the press-launch?

Oh, that’s right. Cause it’s a Dodge Magnum, a Bentley badge, and some glue.

So the Awarning is this: We’re big believers in customizing your car. Make it yours, and turn it into something unique enough that you’ll never see another one the same. But sticking a better badge on the hood doesn’t make it unique, it shows that you live in denial.

We’d all like a more expensive car. Exclusivity is fun.

But dress up parties are for Halloween. Don’t add.

Your Camry is still a Camry. Your Dodge is still very much a Dodge. And whatever badge you took off isn’t fooling anyone but you. Congratulations, you lose.

I just got back from a fantastic road trip around California. My wife and I took my 300zx and blasted along the Pacific Coast Highway. Then we crossed the state and darted through the mountains. The kind of trip which reminds me why I love living in Southern California. I even love the strangeness.

It was 103 outside as we headed south on 395. We were singing the praises of our air conditioner as we enjoyed the long stretch of blacktop and the occasional sweeper. And in the distance I saw a white 350z. A convertible. With the top down.

We got closer and closer. (It wasn’t me really, my Z car loves to go fast) The Sun was apparently trying to prove something by beating down so hard that the road didn’t end, it just faded into a watery mirage up ahead. And as I pulled alongside this convertible I rechecked my outside temp readout to make sure I’m wasn’t crazy. It was now 104 degrees.
My first question was “Why have the top down when it’s this hot?” but it was atom-bombed out of my head. Because I saw this:

Now, I’ll give you a minute.

Now, Here it is closer.

I have no idea the age, creed, or sex of the person behind the bag. But if you’re thinking only a couple of stubborn drunk males would do this, please note that there’s a woman driving.

And yes, that’s a box on her head. It looks like the one she got from last night’s leftovers.

What series of events ends up with two people driving a convertible through triple digit heat with paper products on their noggins? No one was video taping this or holding a kitten over a flame unless they complied. No Ashton Kutcher or Candid anything. We passed them all alone. They made no acknowledgement of us or our picture taking.

The 350z isn’t an ugly car, so it’s hardly worth covering your face in shame.

It does come with a top, so it’s not like a Cobra which doesn’t give you the option.

The top might be broken, sure. And I don’t blame people for wanting protection from the sun.

Yet this stretch of the 395 goes through a small town every twenty minutes. The kind of no stoplight ‘burgs which will gladly sell you foam trucker hats and sun visors with fishing hooks in them.

But these two would rather take the “paper or plastic” debate to a whole new arena.
I’m still baffled. Every time I think of it I end up stumped.

At least I have pictures to prove it, otherwise I’d start to think it was imagined.
Oh, and I couldn’t share it with you.

So even though I thought I’d never have to say this…   “People, don’t wear paper products on your heads while driving.”   There.  This Awarning is also a public service.

Share your own unbelievable sighting! Visit the Forum.

Stupid gets you hurt. It’s a law of nature, there to teach us not to be stupid the next time. There’s no law saying “don’t touch a hot stove” because at some point you or someone you know did it and burned the hell out of themselves. Lesson learned. Don’t do that.

Ever read the Darwin Awards? There’s no law against most of the things those people do but everyone reading just thinks “who are these people?”. I’ll tell you. Stupid people. It killed them. And we learned from it. Survival of the fittest, people… we’re bettering humanity here.

So I’m left in a quandary about rules of the road which help preserve the folks from the shallow urine-stained end of the gene pool.

First, the Euro NCAP Pedestrian ratings: Have you noticed that car design is drifting toward boxy front ends and abrupt/bulbous hoods? Pick any Mercedes, the new Honda Accord, the latest Lincolns, you name a car who used to have a sharp sloping hood and I’ll show you a new design making it blunt. This isn’t just a design trend, nope, it’s law.
Essentially, the European NTSB got concerned about all the hard, painful stuff on the front of a car. And they decided it would be a good idea if car hoods were made so they crumple when a pedestrian gets hit. I’m going to stop for a second and make sure I have your attention…

Cars have been redesigned to be “softer” when they hit people. This is the law.

Look. If you’re in the middle of the street unable to recognize the danger of a car speeding toward you, then I don’t think we can help you.

Next, helmet laws: Now even though both Paul and I prefer four wheels to two, we’ve each had a good amount of street-bike fun. Yet not once have we raged against protecting our face and brains. You can’t replace these items with a Wal-Mart special, and there’s a reason hospitals call them “donor-cycles”. Bad things do happen.
Thankfully, there’s a law to make sure those uninterested in self-preservation can be forced into a longer life. Except for those states where it’s “too hot” to require a helmet. You know, because a little sweat on your face is far worse than no face at all.
See, the system works? We’re being saved from ourselves.

And finally, this new hands free cell phone law: Why can’t people recognize that holding something to your face hinders your driving? We’re just saying use both hands when operating that 2-ton heap of speeding metal. How is this too much to ask? And why are people asking if this means they can’t text when they drive? Your hands are busy, folks. Texting shouldn’t have entered your mind.
But oh, good… there’s a law. Now we don’t have to think about it, we can blame “the man” for hindering our lifestyles.

I enjoy dangerous hobbies. I rock climb, ski, and like driving fast. But if I’m going to take them on, shouldn’t I also embrace the responsibility for my own safety? Stupid endangerment is the result of bad decisions. Bad decisions have consequences. What is the government doing trying to protect the stupid? There are better things to do with tax dollars.

Share your thoughts on these laws, and more! Visit the Forum.

Now, let’s add to this list, and as promised, Paul and I are not immune.

Classic Sports Cars:
The owner thinks it says: I’ve got all the sex appeal of a guy in a Ferrari, but I’m smarter. My car was expensive when it was new, but now it’s dirt-cheap and can still turn heads! Be it a 60s muscle car, or an 80s/90s sports car *Cough-Todd-Cough*, like a fine wine me and my car get better with age. No one makes cars this cool anymore.
But the car tells everyone: You’re out of shape and out of touch. You somehow ignore the gut rolling over your belt just like you don’t notice all the squeaks and rattles of your old car. Maybe it’s your hearing going bad. You weren’t popular in high school, and owning a car that was cool then won’t make you popular now. Oh, and a Toyota Camry can do 0-60 as fast as your old car without the rip in the seats, the malfunctions, or the odd smell from the upholstery. You see, when you say something has “character”, it’s a nice way of saying old and difficult.

The PT Cruiser (and clone Chevy HHR):
The owner thinks it says: I’m retro. I’m quirky. I think other cars are boring. There has never been a car as cool as this one. People look at me at stoplights cause they know I’m having more fun than them!
But the car tells everyone: You don’t know that “retro” and “quirky” are marketing words meaning “outdated” and “poor”. You never knew that your car was designed after far larger and more useable vehicles from fifty years ago. And they aren’t made anymore because they were bad then! You should be stared at; because buying cars like this only encourages American companies to make more crap.

European Wagons:
The owner thinks it says: I know a secret. I can be crazy cause my car has European sports sedan handling. But I can be real, because it’s got fold-down seats and a wagon style hatch. In fact… it’s not a station wagon, it’s a sports wagon. *Cough-Paul-Cough* It’s called an “estate” in Europe, and who doesn’t want to say they own an estate!
But the car tells everyone: You like not having sex. You have a very busy schedule with things just “so”, and would rather not be disrupted. Fun is that thing other people do when you’re reorganizing something. And geography isn’t your friend because you haven’t realized you don’t actually live in Europe. Here, for better or worse, a station wagon is actually less cool than a mini-van… cause with the van at least we know the driver has accepted their castration.

The Porsche 911:
The owner thinks it says: I know cars. I have class. I have more money than you because I deserve it, and my 911 is as wonderful as I am.
But the car tells everyone: You’re just a 3 Series owner with a pay raise. (see part 1) You can spit out a list of other people who own a car just like yours, but haven’t noticed that makes you all the same. You defend the design with quips about “history” and “race-pedigree”, only to gaze longingly at designs from this century when you realize no one is looking at you.

Have a car you want to call out? Do it in the Forums